Filed under: thoughts
I’m quite confused as to what to make of the current situation and the people with whom I’m involved. I never thought I would need to make such hard decision and hurt a person’s feeling. It honestly feels like limbo because I’m not sure if my decision is right and if this is the best decision. I guess some parts of me are still debating. I do not want to be like this but if I drag it any longer, the situation will be much worse. Short pain is better than long pain (for the other person).. I guess. Life is such a unpredictable and confusing game.
Filed under: thoughts
It might sounds cliché but I can’t believe it’s October! In a short few days, it will be two months since I officially moved down to Los Angeles and started my new life (well.. not so new anymore). Although there were bumps and ditches, overall, it has been a good two months living in the southland. My sense of seclusion started to dissipate when I started making new friends in LA. I’m doing relatively well with my job and I have been able to keep up with schoolwork. It is a tough balancing act but it seems like I am starting to get the balance right. Just recently, I have found an ideal compromise for my future career and higher education. Though the plan looks good on paper (and several friends who have given thoughts to my new plan said it is a well thought out plan), I am not entirely sure if I can execute the plans successfully. I guess there is no need to think too much about the future outcome of the plans. Instead, I should do what I can do now and work my way through.
It’s been a long time since I feel this way. Usually I’m proud to be the strong one and the one who can go through everything. However, today was just one of those days. My clients canceled sessions and there was no school today so I was left with nothing to do. I stayed at home and did some readings and write. But, majority of the time I still feel empty. It is funny how 4 million people live in Los Angeles and I can still feel the lack of human interactions without work and school. Some might say this is the chance to meet people and make friends. However, I don’t sit in a office for work and I’m always on the road. It is difficult to meet people the traditional way with my line of work.
I’m sure some of you recognize the title. Yes. It’s a song by U2. I listened to this song over and over again this afternoon. It is how I feel. Sometimes I just can’t do it on my own. I view dependency as a sign of weakness and I hate to admit I was feeling lonely today. But, I guess people are bound to have one of those days throughout life. Sometimes I think too much. The only reason I scheduled my days fully is that I don’t want to allow myself an free time to think too much.
And again…
“The key to survival is quiet suffering.” -R. Nyswaner
Filed under: Uncategorized
It’s really been a month since I officially moved here to LA and live on my own. The weather is getting colder and a sense of loneliness lingers in my apartment. It’s not necessarily a negative thing feeling lonely – in a sense, it just proves that I’m only human. On the other hand, I am shocked at my craving for companionship. I had it then I lost it. It is never pleasant to lose someone who meant the world to you. But what can you do? Life goes on and it’s just the matter of time before there really is nothing left. What is true love, anyway?
I plan to have my own celebration this weekend most likely by myself. I haven’t even got the chance to have a house warming party.
I’m sitting in UA’s CRJ-200 from Los Angeles to Sacramento. I could use this short 1 hour and 25 minutes flight to complete a blog entry. The main purpose of this visit to Davis is to move my things to LA. Now that I’ve settled in LA, I should call it home even though up until now, I’ve lived in Davis the longest. There are on a few remaining things to move so I can meet up with my friends too. It is hard to believe I’m truly independent now. Four years of college has gone by so fast and my future is so uncertain. Maybe it is the fact of life that everyone has to go through phases so uncertainty in order to answer the ultimate question – “why am I here?” I’m not sure about my roll in this world and I have absolutely no clue to the purpose of my life. It just seems like right now I’m going with the flow of everything aimlessly.
Now I’m sitting in UA’s CRJ-700 heading back to Los Angeles. The weekend was great though from time to time, the past memories find their way drilling into my mind. It is time for me to let everything go but it is so hard to let everything go at once. Now that I am physically away from my memories, I hope it will be easier to get myself back on track. It is time to close this chapter of my life and move on to the next chapter. I’m hoping the new chapter will bring me happier things and bring my hopes back.
Filed under: thoughts
No matter what happens in a person’s life, tomorrow is still going to come. Time doesn’t wait for anyone. While he hides in the corner and cry, everyone else moves forward with life. Funny thing life is: unfair, unpredictable, and unclear. What can you do about it? Nothing. There are only three choices: move on, let go, or suicide. Which is the healthiest? The pain can easily be covered by a fake facade but boxing everything inside will only make the future harder to deal with. How can one digest the pain and not let it influence the future? I need a quick and painless method to forget (or embrace without feeling the pain of) the things that happened in San Francisco.
I woke up this morning feeling like crap. Pardon my language but sometimes there is no other word to describe it. What I thought was an allergy attack seems to be a case of flu; red eyes, itchy/sore throat, cough, and lack of energy. Even though my nose doesn’t itch anymore, it is now stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey and I can’t smell a thing. I look like an idiot having to open my mouth for oxygen. Hopefully it will be better tomorrow.
I’m not quite sure if it is the flu or the fact that I have just about enough stress but I feel very angry at almost everything. Maybe the flu turned on my I-hate-the-world mood. Who knows? I just feel that everything seems to go against me as of right now. Yes. I understand it is emo but somehow I am in a very bitter mood.
It is true that the only person you can depend on is yourself. Having been away from my family for the past few years with the occasional visits, I have learned that the only person who knows how to take care of me is myself. From time to time I would have this fantasy that I can build a family with a partner/companion but up until now, that kind of fantasy seems impossible. I’m not a pessimist – well, maybe I am – but sometimes it is just so hard to see the silver lining and the light at the end of tunnel. I’m sure everyone goes through that from time to time. I just go through it more frequently than an optimist. It doesn’t mean that I’m a pessimist though. HAHA! Anyway, let’s just say that today is one of those days. I’m hoping one day I can obtain what I’ve always dreamed of and be happy about my life.
How does one build more self-confidence? What can a person do to have more faith in himself or herself? I’m not severely lacking self-confidence but I do believe I need to build more. More than often, this issue has inteferred with my education, career, and nonetheless, my romantic life. Low self-confidence equals to insecurity. Then insecurity leads to overbearing. I rationally know all this but when the emotions get in the way, I most likely can’t think rationally. C’mon, we all know emotions are irrational. Even psychologists need to be seen by other psychologists in order to provide good mental health services to those who are in need. Psychologists have studied plenty regarding personality, emotions, and communications. However, when it comes to personal lives, psychologists are just like anyone else. It’s the truth.
I am just very frustrated at where my life is at now. I’m doing everything I can to steer my life to where I want it to be but it feels like I am not getting anywhere. Sometimes I just want to reach the destination faster. I know that watched pot never boils but I guess sometimes the snail-pace feels painfully unnecessary. Maybe it is life’s way to force us to experience every moment whether it’s agony or happiness. Anyway, I believe everything happens for a reason but it is hell when you can’t figure out the reason. I don’t even know the reasons for the recent developments in my life. Maybe I’ll figure it out in the future. Only time will tell. I guess.
I just don’t want to turn into a callous rock but it seems to me that it is the best way to survive now…
Another day has passed and I’m working my way out of the blues. When people ask me for advise on relationship or related things, I always tell them “what’s meant to be will happen and what’s not meant to be will end.” Although I’m not a religious person, I do believe there is some higher power determining our lives. Maybe it’s just karma, or Buddha, God, etc, something (or someone) we don’t know and understand is there working the magic. Sometimes I just need to remind myself of what I preach. There is nothing that I can do right now except for set my life on track and keep pursuing what I dreamed of. The questions I pose on myself is too complicated to be answered now. It is just too hard for me to switch off my emotions and attachment to my (ex)partner. Living on my own makes me realize that I need to be stronger and more independent.
First impression is very important when it comes to meeting that special someone. I’ve asked my close friends about what were their first impressions of me and surprisingly, 90% of them said at first I seem unapproachable. Because of this, I talked to my sister about the vibe I give out and she told me I have this fake facade of cold heartedness because I don’t want my true self to be revealed; that’s my protection and that’s my camouflage. I’ve used the saying “building a concrete wall surrounding myself” to describe my emotional state when I want to protect myself from being fooled (again and again). And now, I fear I’m falling into that vicious cycle again. It is very frustrating when I stop thinking about romance and concentrate on career and then that someone would jump into my life “saving” me from my loneliness. And then, after a while, things get bad and I have no one again. So then, I have to work my way out again and stop thinking about my perfect life and the white-picket-fence-dream.
I lie in bed every night trying to get a goodnight sleep but somehow this past two months I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night sweating and feeling tired. My heart would race and my pajamas would be soaking in sweat; Disgusting. And overall just an awful experience. I tried to use alcohol to sleep but alcohol messes with REM sleep so even if it feels like you’re sleeping, you’re not getting the “deep sleep”. I’m still trying to find a way for me to have a goodnight sleep without the night terrors.
I just want time to pass faster. I know I can go through everything eventually but for the time being, one day seems forever.
I moved to West Los Angeles from Northern California (Davis and San Francisco Bay Area) roughly two and 1/2 week ago seeking a new beginning and a fresh start without any strings attached. I know that no matter where you go and how far away you are, everything is still going to follow you. And (for worse) I’m not the type of person who can switch off the memories and emotions that easily. However, being 400 plus miles away from everything makes me look back to the things that happened during the five years I spent there and realize I need to ground myself more deeply and build some self-confidence. I’m not going to lie: I’m scared and I’m afraid that I won’t be able to survive here. I’m used to having many friends around who I can visit any time of the day and I’m used to returning home and see my roommates and partner. Now, after work and school (which starts next Monday), I will return home to an empty apartment. I don’t have much here and I don’t plan to get too many things for my apartment; I want to be able to leave whenever I want with minimum luggage. Right now, I don’t know which part of my dream I should pursue. My educational/career goals? Or my family-oriented/settle down kind of goals? People say a person should set his or her priority straight then work for it with 100% effort. But, at this point, I don’t know which one is more important to me. Being able to settle down and still pursuing my educational/career goals is my ultimate dream but up until now, everything is proving me that it is impossible to achieve my dream. When a person is faced with this type of hard life-decision, he can either shove it away and let things flow or actually sit down to think through it then decide which is more important. As of right now, I can’t decide. I want to let things flow but from time to time, I would still be bothered by the fact that I’m not working towards something I dreamed of. I have few people I can turn to and even though I’m surrounded by roughly 4 million people, I still feel very secluded. It is hard to make friends in this fast paced city. I wake up in the morning, get in the car, go to Starbucks, grab my coffee, go to clients door-to-door, then return home tired. It is the fact of life. That much I understand. However, this type of life is also very frustrating. My friends from the north have told me to go to social events and/or bars but…
#1. I don’t have a designated driver so I can’t have any drink to relax my nerves,
#2. It’s pretty depressing to sit at a bar by yourself,
#3. I used to be a happy drunk but given the things that happened, I’m pretty sure I’ll be a sad drunk, and
#4. a lot of bars are meat markets (which I have absolutely no interest).
Since I’m a beach lover and aviation enthusiast, I either sit at Santa Monica Beach and listen to the sound of waves or sit outside the In-n-Out near LAX watching planes taking off and landing. Those are my happiest times in Los Angeles.
Tomorrow is a new day.
“The key to survival is quiet suffering.” – Nyswaner
